Four sisters come to the Jersey shore for a girls weekend; they mean to celebrate the 30th birthday of the youngest among them, Ruth. Ruth is recently divorced and feeling bad about herself and her sisters decide that suprising her with a beautfiul young man might be just the thing to lift her spirits.
SCENE ONE
(THE SCENE BEGINS IN THE DARK. WE HEAR A MIX OF FURTIVE VOICES IN THE DISTANCE, THESE GRADUALLY GROWING LOUDER. AS LIGHTS VERY GRADUALLY COME UP, THE FOUR SISTERS ENTER; EXACTLY AT WHAT POINT IN THE EARLY DIALOGUE THIS ENTRANCE OCCURS SHOULD BE LEFT TO THE DIRECTOR, IT CAN BE EARLIER THAN IS INDICATED IN THE SCRIPT OR LATER, BUT THE SCENE SHOULD BEGIN WITH VOICES ALONE IN THE DARK. DOWNSTAGE WE SEE A BED, SOME CHAIRS. THIS IS A MOTEL ROOM AT THE NEW JERSEY SHORE. STREWN ABOUT ARE HALF-HEARTED ATTEMPTS AT BIRTHDAY DECORATIONS, A FEW BALLOONS PERHAPS, A BANNER, MAYBE A HALF-EATEN CAKE. UPSTAGE AN OPEN DOOR LEADS TO AN IMAGINARY ADJOINING ROOM; NEAR IT IS A DOOR TO A CLOSET. OFF TO THE SIDE, WE SEE A DOOR THAT APPARENTLY OPENS OUT TO THE BEACH. THIS IS THE DOOR THE CHARACTERS WILL ENTER AS THE ACT GETS UNDERWAY, IF ONLY WITH SOME EFFORT. SARAH IS BACKING INTO THE ROOM, SHARING HALF OF A MAN’S LIMP BODY WITH HER SISTER RUTH, THEN, AFTER A NUMBER OF STARTS AND STOPS AND RE-THINKINGS COME THE OTHER TWO SISTERS MERCEDES AND SOPHIA CARRYING HIS FEET AND LOWERS LIMBS. GETTING HIM THROUGH THE DOOR IS CLUMSY, PAINSTAKING, AND THIS SHOULD ESTABLISH A PATTERN FOR WHAT WILL HAPPEN AS THEY TRY TO STUFF HIS BODY INTO A CLOSET WITH A DOOR THAT WON’T STAY CLOSED, THEN A TRUNK THAT REFUSES TO OPEN. EVERYTHING FROM THIS POINT FORWARD IS A SEQUENCE OF REVERSALS, A SERIES OF AWKWARD STARTS AND STOPS, FRUSTRATING TO THE POINT OF BEING MADDENING, AS THEY TRY TO FIT THE CORPSE INTO EVER-SMALLER CONTAINERS.) MERCEDES: Do you know what I usually look for in a man?
SOPHIA: One who will leave? MERCEDES:I tell myself what I want is a relationship, and none of the men I meet are— SOPHIA:
The trouble begins when they want to stay on, that’s where things go wrong. RUTH: Then this one is really going to be a problem for you.
SOPHIA:
Tell us about it! What could have been going through your mind? I thought you were going to hire a male stripper. SARAH: He never showed up. I thought, There goes our big surprise, now what do we give Ruthie for her thirtieth birthday? So Sadie and I started up the beach and the next thing you know, guess who we run into, Johnny Rocket here. I mean, come on, a lifeguard just getting off duty? It seemed like a gift from the gods. SOPHIA: Well, so long as everything worked out for the best.
MERCEDES: Perhaps if you hadn’t shown up the last minute, Soph– We would have been only too happy to let you–
SOPHIA: A lifeguard, honestly, Sarah, sometimes I don’t know what gets into your head. RUTH: Lighten up, Soph, it’s not Sarah’s fault, she didn’t do it.
SARAH: You get so intense. SOPHIA: This is absolutely incredible. I think we’re really in trouble this time.
MERCEDES: Soph is right, you know. SOPHIA: I can’t believe I let you get me into this.
MERCEDES: It was for Ruthie’s thirtieth birthday, okay? We were doing it for her. RUTH: I don’t see why we just didn’t call the police.
SARAH: Think. Ben doesn’t know I’m here. I told him I was visiting my aunt in
Ocala. RUTH: Do we have an aunt in
Florida? I didn’t know we had an aunt in Florida.How can Sarah have an aunt in
Florida if the rest of us don’t? We’re sisters.
MERCEDES: I think that’s Sarah’s point, Ruthie. SARAH: I faked airline reservations, a room at a hotel—you’d think I was planning the
Normandy invasion. Can you imagine how pleased Ben would be to know I scooted off to the Jersey shore to drink with my sisters?! There’s not much left of the marriage to begin with. This would kill it for good. Besides, can you imagine what this will do to Soph’s chances at Goldman Sachs!
SOPHIA: Sarah’s right. Do you know how many vice presidents with ovaries there are at Goldman Sachs, can you imagine how much crap I’ve had to take to get that far in my career?! I mean, I’m this far away from a major promotion; let something like this get in the newspaper and I’ll be back doing taxes at an H and R Block in
White Plains. RUTH:I thought H and R Block went out of business–Was that just a figure of speech, or what? MERCEDES: And that would be light compared to what I’d be facing. I was supposed to be in
Washington this weekend. We’re trying the 8th District banking case. I mean all of us had to sneak away to be here, not just Sarah.
SARAH: Can’t we talk about this later? Wait. Let me see if I can’t– RUTH: Look at him. He’s cute. MERCEDES:Had I known this was going to–
SOPHIA: How could you have talked me into this, Sarah? SARAH: You weren’t complaining an hour ago when he was bumping and grinding. And neither were you, Mercedes. SOPHIA:
Yeah? Well now he’s dead. Pardon me if I’m in the middle of a mood swing, okay? SARAH (ENTERING): All we need is a little time to think. RUTH: Yeah?
SARAH: We need to sit and think this through. There’s got to be a way we can minimize the damage—We just have to put him somewhere no one can see him and decide what to do. SOPHIA: Back up.
MERCEDES: Like this? RUTH: Why’d we have to take the long way, anyway?
MERCEDES: DUHHH! To keep him out of the light maybe? SOPHIA:
Where are we going to put him? MERCEDES: Yeah, where should we put him, in the other room? SOPHIA: Sure, let’s put him on the bed in there. (STRUGGLING WITH THE BODY, THE FOUR SISTERS FINALLY GET IT THROUGH THE NARROW DOOR UPSTAGE. FROM OFF WE HEAR:)
SOPHIA: (EXITING/OFF) Do you know what I’m afraid of? MERCEDES: (EXITING/OFF) Photo-aging?
SOPHIA: (EXITING/OFF) There are cops who patrol this beach. What if somebody saw us? RUTH:
(OFF) All of his clothes are in here. SOPHIA: (OFF) And the lights don’t work, remember? MERCEDES:
(OFF) Ouch. What’s this? SARAH: (OFF) It’s a trunk. It’s from the lifeguard tower up the beach. He was pulling it behind him. He was done for the day, remember? MERCEDES: (OFF) Ouch.
RUTH: (OFF) Back up. I’m not fitting. SOPHIA: (OFF) A trunk full of stuff to save lives, huh? There’s an irony I’m not ready to appreciate.
MERCEDES: (OFF) Hey, I don’t fit, I can’t get through here. SARAH: (OFF) We’ll have to go back to the other room.
SOPHIA: (OFF) This was such a stupid idea, getting Ruthie laid on her thirtieth birthday. SARAH: (OFF) I thought it’d be a great surprise.
RUTH: (OFF) It was a great surprise, Sarah. And excuse me for living, but I like sex. I’ve missed it since my divorce from Nick. The truth is, none of you ever liked Nick. SARAH: We liked him.
MERCEDES: We just thought he was lacking something. SOPHIA: Like opposing thumbs. SARAH:(OFF,THEN ONE BY ONE THE SISTERS REAPPEAR ON STAGE, THE FOUR STRUGGLING EVEN MORE MIGHTILY TO GET HIM OUT OF THE ROOM THAN THEY HAVE STRUGGLED TO GET HIM INTO IT)Sadie can’t get through. Okay?
SOPHIA: He’s really getting heavy. (THE SISTERS HAVE FINALLY SUCCEEDED IN GETTING THE BODY THROUGH THE DOOR ONCE AND FOR ALL) RUTH:
I don’t want him out here with my underwear and toothbrush. MERCEDES: Well put him somewhere, and quick, I’m losing my grip. RUTH:
Oh great: THE LOOK. I don’t care, Soph. That’s my toothbrush, okay? Creep me out a little, why don’t you. SARAH: Nothing’s wrong, I’m telling you. There’s nothing wrong we can’t fix.
SOPHIA: Yeah, well if nothing’s wrong, why has your voice gone up an octave or two? I mean, you had a kind of Julia Childs thing going there for a minute in the other room. RUTH: I think I’m losing my grip.
MERCEDES: Let’s try to keep our heads. SOPHIA: You lied to us, Sarah. You said you were going to get a stripper for Ruth so she’d feel better about herself.
SARAH: Let’s try the closet. SOPHIA: You looked us right in the eye and you lied to us. He was just some boy you picked up.
SARAH: Be careful. SOPHIA: Are you kidding me with this?
RUTH: I’m losing my grip, stop for a minute. MERCEDES: Well don’t drop him, for God’s sakes.
SOPHIA:Darn it, Sarah, you’re going too fast. SARAH:Well don’t get testy with me, I didn’t do it. RUTH:
I can’t see where I’m stepping. SARAH: Were the rooms always this far away from the shoreline or did they move them? I’m out of breath. RUTH:
We used to be younger, remember? SOPHIA: And too we were probably stoned. MERCEDES:
If we were ten years younger it wouldn’t be a problem. (AS THEY TRY TO STUFF HIM INTO THE CLOSET; TRYING TO STUFF HIM INSIDE IN A SITTING/SLUMPING POSITION. AS THIS IS HAPPENING:) SARAH: Ten years, huh? Great.
SOPHIA: I’ll put it on my to-do list. MERCEDES: Wait a minute.
RUTH: Let me just shift this. SOPHIA: You think this wouldn’t be a problem?
SARAH: Do you think anyone saw? RUTH: You don’t think anyone saw, do you?
MERCEDES: At this hour? SOPHIA: Go the other way.
SARAH: Don’t push me, okay? (NO SOONER DO THEY GET HIM INSIDE AND SHUT THE DOOR AND BEGIN TO CATCH THEIR BREATH THAN THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AS HIS WEIGHT IS PRESSED AGAINST IT. THEY PUSH HIM BACK, LEAN THEIR COLLECTIVE WEIGHT AGAINST THE DOOR. THE MINUTE THEY STEP AWAY, THE DOOR OPENS; THE DOOR, IT SEEMS, WILL NOT LATCH. WORDLESSLY THEY RETRIEVE THE BODY, TWO SISTERS WITH HIS FEET AND ANKLES, TWO AT THE OTHER END. ONCE THEY HAVE HIM IN TOW:) RUTH: Not so fast, he’s slipping again.
MERCEDES:Well? Any thoughts, Sarah? RUTH:I know this isn’t the best time to thank you all, but I really did enjoy it. I mean, it was the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten. I felt like a twenty-year-old again.
MERCEDES: I feel like a twenty-year-old anytime, day or night. SOPHIA: I don’t think that’s what she meant, Mercedes.
SARAH: The bed? MERCEDES: I guess.
SOPHIA: Put him anywhere for now MERCEDES:
How did this happen, Ruthie? RUTH: I don’t know. We were out on the beach. He said, Would you like to do it on the beach. You decide, it’s your hundred bucks. MERCEDES:
It was actually our hundred bucks, but go on with your story. RUTH: So we were doing it. On the beach. And his heart stopped or something. Shouldn’t we put him down somewhere? SARAH:
You mean, he just sort of gasped or something, in the middle everything? Ooooh. The thought of that makes my skin crawl. MERCEDES: Wasn’t it awful? RUTH:
A little. SARAH: And you probably had to wiggle out from beneath him. RUTH: It would have been worse if I’d never been married.
SARAH: (STRAINING, HOLDING UP MORE THAN HER SHARE OF THE LOAD FOR A MOMENT AS HER SISTER RUTH STANDS AGHAST) LET’S JUST PUT HIM ON THE BED. FOR RIGHT NOW? LET’S JUST GET HIM ONTO THE BED, OKAY? RUTH:
Ooooo. I took a nap in that bed. SARAH: Let’s get his head up at that end. MERCEDES: Ruthie, if it’s not too much trouble?
RUTH: (SHARING THE LOAD AGAIN) Sorry. SARAH: Ready?
SOPHIA: One. Two. Three. RUTH: Do you know who he looks like? He looks a little like Brian.
SARAH: Remember Brian? MERCEDES:
I remember. RUTH: He had the greatest little smile, didn’t he. SARAH: Whatever happened to Brian, anyway? Why’d you two break up, Sadie? SOPHIA:
He graduated high school and moved to
Wyoming. RUTH: No he didn’t, stop it, I see him all the time, it’s some kind of riding academy or something, he’s doing something with horses. SARAH:
How old was he, fifteen or something? MERCEDES: Okay, I admit it, he might have been a little young for me. SARAH: But he was SO cute.
SOPHIA: A riding academy, huh? Well that’s certainly appropriate RUTH: Oh God. Look at him. It’s just dawning on me. Oh God. What are we going to do? He’s really dead, isn’t he. OHGODOHGODOHGOD!
SOPHIA: Ruthie’s shaking. SARAH: You realize of course someone’s going to miss him in an hour or two.
MERCEDES: Where’s the vodka? SOPHIA: (AS RUTH SIPS, REGISTERING THE DISGUST OF SOME UNFAMILIAR WITH LIQUOR) Did anyone get his name?
RUTH: OHGODOHGODOHGOD. Tell me this isn’t happening. SOPHIA: What’s wrong now?
SARAH: Are you all right? MERCEDES:
Do you want some more vodka? SARAH: His clothes are in the other room. Maybe he had a driver’s license. MERCEDES:
This is great. This is peachy. SARAH: Is somebody going to go look through his clothes or not? SOPHIA:
How long do you have after someone dies to call the police? Sadie? MERCEDES: Don’t look at me. I’m a tax attorney. I mean, I can help you settle his estate. SARAH:
We’ve got to think. Who wants to go through his clothes and try to find his wallet? Any volunteers? SOPHIA: What good will that do? SARAH:
I just think we should know his name. MERCEDES: So do I. SOPHIA:
This is sick, this is all so sick! RUTH: It didn’t matter while he was living. SARAH:
Well it matters now. Okay? SOPHIA: May I just suggest we take a moment and weigh the consequences of this. MERCEDES:
Could someone get a sheet from the other room. Let’s put a sheet over him at least. RUTH: I’ll go. SOPHIA:
Yeah? RUTH: I think so. MERCEDES:
Here. RUTH: (WHILE HER SISTERS LOOK ON–CHUGGING THE VODKA, AS IF INTENDING TO DRAIN THE BOTTLE) But then somebody else has to go through his pants. (EXIT) SOPHIA:
Where did you find him, Sadie? Are you sure that nobody saw? MERCEDES: Up the beach. He was heading back to Lifeguard Central, or wherever the hell they go. SARAH:
Are you okay in there, Ruthie? RUTH: (OFF) I can’t find the light. SARAH:
Ruthie, the light doesn’t work. Remember? SOPHIA: And what did Johnny Rocket say when you offered him money? For sex, I mean. MERCEDES:
You’re not a cop, are you? SOPHIA: What? MERCEDES:
That’s what he said, “You’re not a cop, are you?” SARAH: We have to figure out a story. When the questions come–and they will–we’re going to have to have some answers. RUTH:
(OFF) Okay. I got it. Here I come. I’m coming to put a sheet over the dead man. Here I am taking a step. Here I am taking another step. MERCEDES: You’d better pace yourself. RUTH:
(OFF/ENTERING) Here I am taking a step. Here I am taking another step. And there, of course, is the dead man, who I was recently screwing. SOPHIA: Had enough to drink, have you? RUTH: Not yet. Look at me. Here I am, putting a sheet over the dead man. (COVERING HIM ONLY TO HIS CHIN, AS THOUGH HE WERE ONLY ASLEEP)
SOPHIA: Excuse me. MERCEDES:
Did you forget something? RUTH: What, where? SARAH:
His face? SOPHIA: Who’s idea was this, anyway? Getting Ruthie laid on her thirtieth birthday, God, what a stupid idea! SARAH:
Can we just? You’re repeating yourself. ` RUTH: She’s upset. SOPHIA:
Am I that transparent? RUTH: You both blame me, don’t you? MERCEDES:
Blame you for this? No. SOPHIA: Of course we blame you for a lot of other things. RUTH:
I can see it in your eyes. How long will it be before the three of you forgive me? SOPHIA: When’s the next Harmonic Convergence? RUTH:
Yuck, I can’t do it, I can’t touch him, not again. I just rubbed against his chest by accident and it feels like breast of chicken. MERCEDES: Thank you for confiding. RUTH:
You can’t believe what that felt like. MERCEDES: Yeah? RUTH:
Yeah. SOPHIA: This is making my brain hurt. Does anyone care? RUTH:
I don’t even want to think about what our mother would say right now if she was here. MERCEDES: Face facts. We’re not our mother. SARAH:
Our mother would not be in a motel room with a corpse. RUTH: At least not without knowing his name. SOPHIA:
I don’t know how you do it, Ruthie. It’s one catastrophe after another. You somehow manage to turn ridiculous situations into complete and total disasters. (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR) RUTH: Who could that be?
SOPHIA: Don’t answer it. (MORE KNOCKING, MORE PERSISTENTLY NOW) MERCEDES:
You don’t think it’s the police, do you? SARAH: Somebody’s going to have to answer it. RUTH:
I’ll go. MERCEDES: Right. SARAH:
Somebody else has to go. SOPHIA: Yeah, but who? RUTHIE:
I’m scared. SOPHIA: Why does everything have to be about you, Ruthie. RUTH:
No, everything’s suppose to be about you, I suppose. SARAH: This isn’t the time or the place, Soph. SOPHIA:
I know, but COME ON ALREADY, she’s not the only person on the planet. Why does everything always have to be about Ruthie, anyway? Ever since we were little, she’s been the one who got all the attention. Do you remember when mom and dad found out she was dyslexic? God, suddenly there’s tutors, special schools. Can I tell you something, Sarah? You know how I struggled in middle school, I couldn’t pass a blood test, okay? I’m telling you, the birth order is everything. If I’d been born the baby of the family, like Ruthie, instead of being born after you and Sadie–I was never convinced she had a learning disorder to begin with. I’m serious. I’m telling you this in only the most positive spirit, Ruthie, I hope you know that, but if you ask me, you never had a learning disorder in the first place. You were just a little–slow. Okay? There. I’ve said it, SO SHOOT ME. There’s always been a little something missing. Sarah, Mercedes? I think you’ll agree with me, Ruthie’s never the brightest bulb on the tree, ever. Look, let’s just talk about something else. MERCEDES: Stop it. Both of you. Let’s get coordinated. If it’s the police, are we telling the truth? SARAH:
We’re going to have to lie for now. RUTH: Let Sophie answer it then. She lies a lot better than she tells the truth, she started out as a stock broker. SOPHIA: (COMPOSING HERSELF) Why should I be upset?
MERCEDES: Okay? SOPHIA: How do I look?
MERCEDES: Act like nothing’s wrong, Soph. RUTH: Look on the bright side.
(THIS STOPS THE OTHERS DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS, WHO LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER’S FACES) MERCEDES: Thanks, Ruthie. SOPHIA:
I’m good to go after that. (THE KNOCKING BECOMES MORE PERSISTENT STILL. IT STOPS, SUDDENLY. A KEY TURNS IN THE LOCK. BEFORE THEY CAN GET TO THE DOOR IT STARTS TO BE PUSHED OPEN SLOWLY FROM THE OUTSIDE. THE SISTERS LINE UP ON THE SIDE OF THE BED NEAREST THE DOOR, SITTING UNCOMFORTABLY TO BLOCK A VIEW OF THE CORPSE. THE ACTOR BENEATH THE SHEET SHOULD HAVE HIS HAND AT ABOUT WAIST LEVEL. BIT BY BIT HE SHOULD RAISE HIS HAND SO THAT IT APPEARS FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE AUDIENCE THAT THE CORPSE IS ACHIEVING AN ERECTION IN INCREMENTS. ALL OF THIS IS OUT OF VIEW OF THE SISTERS, SO, WHILE THE ACTOR IS RAISING, THEN LOWERING, THEN RAISING HIS HAND, IT SHOULD BE A SIGHT-GAG THE AUDIENCE IS AWARE OF WELL AHEAD SOPHIA OR THE OTHERS, WHO ARE DOING THEIR BEST TO DECIDE ON A WAY TO GET RID OF THE MAID. A MAID HAS COME WITH FRESH TOWELS. IT IS CLEAR WHY SHE’S THERE; SHE HAS A STACK OF THESE IN HER ARMS. BUT THE SISTERS SEEM DUMBSTRUCK. THE PAUSE HERE SEEMS MORE PROLONGED SINCE EVERYONE IS SILENT, AND THE AUDIENCE SHOULD BE GIVEN ALL THE TIME IT NEEDS TO NOTICE WHAT’S HAPPENING IN THE BED. FINALLY THE MAID SENSES THAT THERE IS SOMETHING BEHIND THEM WHICH SHE’S NOT SUPPOSE TO SEE. WHEN THE MAID MOVES TO HER RIGHT TO SEE WHAT’S BEHIND THEM, THEY SHOULD MOVE TO THEIR LEFT. WHEN SHE GOES TO HER LEFT, THEY GO TO THEIR RIGHT. THIS HAPPENS SEVERAL TIMES, WITH THE SWAYING GROWING MORE PRONOUNCED. FINALLY SHE FEINTS IN ONE DIRECTION, GOES IN THE OTHER, AND SOPHIA RISES JUST AS SHE DOES TO GET HER OUT THROUGH THE DOOR, THEN TURNS, AS HER SISTERS TURN. ONCE THE SISTERS SEE WHAT THE MAID’S EYES ARE NOW FIXED UPON, THE ERECTION BENEATH THE SHEETS:) MAID:
Who’s birthday?
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