The Devil's Dictionary

Oglum P. Boomp


QUIXOTIC, adj.  Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote.  An insight into
the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily
denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name
is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

  When ignorance from out of our lives can banish
  Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish.

Juan Smith


QUORUM, n.  A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to
have their own way and their own way of having it.  In the United
States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on
Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of
Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.

QUOTATION, n.  The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
The words erroneously repeated.

  Intent on making his quotation truer,
  He sought the page infallible of Brewer,
  Then made a solemn vow that we would be
  Condemned eternally.  Ah, me, ah, me!

Stumpo Gaker


QUOTIENT, n.  A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging
to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about
as many times as it can be got there.



R



RABBLE, n.  In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority
tempered by fraudulent elections.  The rabble is like the sacred
Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do
nothing.  (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in
our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")

RACK, n.  An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading
devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth.  As a call to
the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now
held in light popular esteem.

RANK, n.  Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.

  He held at court a rank so high
  That other noblemen asked why.
  "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack
  His skill to scratch the royal back."

Aramis Jukes


RANSOM, n.  The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller,
nor can belong to the buyer.  The most unprofitable of investments.

RAPACITY, n.  Providence without industry.  The thrift of power.

RAREBIT, n.  A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point
out that it is not a rabbit.  To whom it may be solemnly explained
that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and
that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared
after the recipe of a she banker.

RASCAL, n.  A fool considered under another aspect.

RASCALITY, n.  Stupidity militant.  The activity of a clouded
intellect.

RASH, adj.  Insensible to the value of our advice.

  "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let
      These gamblers take your cash."
  "Nay, this child makes no bet."  "Great snakes!
      How can you be so rash?"

Bootle P. Gish


RATIONAL, adj.  Devoid of all delusions save those of observation,
experience and reflection.

RATTLESNAKE, n.  Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.

RAZOR, n.  An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty,
by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to
affirm his worth.

REACH, n.  The radius of action of the human hand.  The area within
which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the