First you’ll need a laptop with wireless Internet to carry along in your canoe. Why? So you can communicate with the people who run the Panama Canal. You’ll need to be in touch with them at least 3 hours before you show up at the Miraflores Locks on the Pacific side of the canal.

Send them a short email along the lines of: “Hi there! I’m paddling a canoe from San Francisco to New York and would like to cross the canal later this morning. Thanks for letting me know what procedures to follow.”

Don’t be surprised if you receive the following response: “Senor, it is impossible, completely impossible, for you to cross the Panama Canal in a canoe. Aside from the danger of accidentally bumping into a 50,000 ton ship in one of the locks, the toll for crossing the canal is $45,000.”

Don’t let such an email discourage you. Just follow up with a message along the lines of: “I was so much looking forward to crossing the canal today. I’ve paddled this canoe several thousand miles down the coast from San Francisco. The toll fee is no problem. I have a credit card on me.”

The Panama Canal authorities need your business. And while they might act as if they don’t, just continue sending encouraging emails, and they’ll buckle.

“Senor, you may cross the canal today, but you’ll need to pay the $45,000 in quarters. We now require exact change in quarters to go through our toll booth. A tugboat will come out to meet you to exchange $45,000 from your credit card for quarters. ”

Don’t let them do this. The quarters will weigh down your canoe. Say something like: “I can cross the canal today, but the quarters won’t work. You folks don’t accept MasterCard?”

“Senor, we have approved your crossing but we must warn you that you will have to wait in line behind a ship from Chile carrying 50,000 tons of fruit to New York.”

Answer something like: “I don’t mind waiting behind a vehicle carrying 50,000 tons of fruit. I do it all the time on the Jersey Turnpike.”

Don’t be surprised if the Panama Canal authorities suddenly change their mind and refuse your passage across the canal. You may get a message saying: “Senor, it has come to our attention that canoes are prohibited from crossing the canal. Sorry.”

This is where you pull out your trump card. “I appreciate your letting me know. As the grandson of John Stevens, the third American to oversee the construction of the canal, I would find it inconvenient to have to paddle my canoe back to San Francisco.”

That statement gets them every time.

In case they become obstinate, just add: “I have the email address of five different reporters from the New York Times on my laptop. How would you like to see the following headline on the front page of tomorrow’s New York Times? “Descendant of Panama Canal Builder Refused Passage Across the Canal.”

The Panama Canal authorities adore the New York Times and would feel crushed if the Times had any negative news stories about the canal.

It’s good to know, too, that sometimes the Panama Canal authorities will gripe about the quantity of fresh water that is needed to raise and lower boats traveling through the locks. They may say something like: “Senor, I hope you realize that it takes an average of 52 million gallons of fresh water to raise and lower each ship that crosses the canal.”

A quick response to this is: “Yes, I realize it does take a lot of fresh water from Gatun Lake to raise and lower ships. But Panama receives an average of over 60 inches of rainfall a year. This rain water travels down the Chagres River and easily replenishes Gatun Lake. In fact, excessive rainfall was the main problem in building the canal, causing mudslides and increasing the quantity of mosquito-borne disease.”

“Senor, we would like to let you cross the canal in your canoe, but we can only let 25 ships a day cross the canal.”

“What?! An average of 37 ships a day cross the canal. Almost a million ships have crossed the canal since its opening in 1914. I’m afraid you have your facts wrong.”

Then you’ll hear the oldest excuse in the book: “Senor, it has come to our attention that Panama has many crocodiles. It would be too dangerous for you cross the canal in your canoe.”

Just reply: “Hmmm, the crocodiles didn’t stop Richard Halliburton from swimming the length of the canal in 1928. I’ll take my chances. Besides, I have a repellent spray that works for both mosquitoes and crocodiles. It says right here on the spray bottle, ‘If you see mosquitoes or crocodiles hovering around your head, apply spray liberally to arm and neck areas…’

Speaking of insecticide, you do realize that one of John Stevens greatest achievements in overseeing construction of the canal was the eradication of the mosquito-borne yellow fever. He did this by ordering 120 tons of insecticide and $90,000 worth of window screens.”

“Senor, it seems as if you know your Panama Canal facts quite well. We are sorry we inconvenienced you and welcome you crossing the canal.”

“Not so fast! I have yet to mention that at the height of construction of the canal, 200 train loads a day of earth were removed from the Culebra Cut, the man-made path cutting through the major mountain range in Panama. 200 train loads per day! Can you imagine the magnitude of that operation?”

“Yes, and?”

“And that 50 different companies in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, provided the steel for the construction of the locks on both the Pacific and Atlantic sides of the canal. Those steel mills were humming.”

“Okay…”

“And that the entire Panama Canal project came in under budget. The canal was completed for less than the $325 million that was budgeted for it. And most people don’t realize that…”

“Senor, thank you for the facts. Now please cross the canal. Please will you cross the canal and get this over?”

“Yes, I surely will. Thank you for your time and assistance. I’ll see you shortly at the Miraflores Locks on the Pacific side of the canal.”
Phil Shapiro
Copyright 2000

This story begins in the early part of the nineteenth century. Louis Braille was born in 1809, in a small village near Paris. His father made harnesses and other leather goods to sell to the other villagers. Louis’ father often used sharp tools to cut and punch holes in the leather.

One of the tools he used to makes holes was a sharp awl. An awl is a tool that looks like a short pointed stick, with a round, wooden handle. While playing with one of his father’s awls, Louis’ hand slipped and he accidentally poked one of his eyes. At first the injury didn’t seem serious, but then the wound became infected. A few days later young Louis lost sight in both his eyes. The first few days after becoming blind were very hard.

But as the days went by Louis learned to adapt and learned to lead an otherwise normal life. He went to school with all his friends and did well at his studies. He was both intelligent and creative. He wasn’t going to let his disability slow him down one bit.

As he grew older, he realized that the small school he attended did not have the money and resources he needed. He heard of a school in Paris that was especially for blind students. Louis didn’t have to think twice about going. He packed his bags and went off to find himself a solid education.

When he arrived at the special school for the blind, he asked his teacher if the school had books for blind persons to read. Louis found that the school did have books for the blind to read.

These books had large letters that were raised up off the page. Since the letters were so big, the books themselves were large and bulky. More importantly, the books were expensive to buy. The school had exactly fourteen of them.

Louis set about reading all fourteen books in the school library. He could feel each letter, but it took him a long time to read a sentence. It took a few seconds to reach each word and by the time he reached the end of a sentence, he almost forgot what the beginning of the sentence was about. Louis knew there must be a better way.

There must be a way for a blind person to quickly feel the words on a page. There must be a way for a blind person to read as quickly and as easily as a sighted person.

That day he set himself the goal of thinking up a system for blind people to read. He would try to think of some alphabet code to make his ‘finger reading’ as quick and easy as sighted reading.

Now Louis was a tremendously creative person. He learned to play the cello and organ at a young age. He was so talented an organist that he played at churches all over Paris.

Music was really his first love. It also happened to be a steady source of income. Louis had great confidence in his own creative abilities.

He knew that he was as intelligent and creative as any other person his own age. And his musical talent showed how much he could accomplish when given a chance.

One day chance walked in the door. Somebody at the school heard about an alphabet code that was being used by the French army. This code was used to deliver messages at night from officers to soldiers. The messages could not be written on paper because the soldier would have to strike a match to read it.

The light from the match would give the enemy a target at which to shoot. The alphabet code was made up of small dots and dashes. These symbols were raised up off the paper so that soldiers could read them by running their fingers over them. Once the soldiers understood the code, everything worked fine.

Louis got hold of some of this code and tried it out. It was much better than reading the gigantic books with gigantic raised letters.

But the army code was still slow and cumbersome. The dashes took up a lot of space on a page. Each page could only hold one or two sentences. Louis knew that he could improve this alphabet in some way.

On his next vacation home, he would spend all his time working on finding a way to make this improvement. When he arrived home for school vacation, he was greeted warmly by his parents.

His mother and father always encouraged him on his music and other school projects. Louis sat down to think about how he could improve the system of dots and dashes. He liked the idea of the raised dots, but could do without the raised dashes.

As he sat there in his father’s leather shop, he picked up one of his father’s blunt awls. The idea came to him in a flash. The very tool which had caused him to go blind could be used to make a raised dot alphabet that would enable him to read.

The next few days he spent working on an alphabet made up entirely of six dots. The position of the different dots would represent the different letters of the alphabet.

Louis used the blunt awl to punch out a sentence. He read it quickly from left to right. Everything made sense. It worked…

Phil Shapiro
Copyright 1995
All Rights Reserved

They had brought an acorn with them, along with a watering can and some potting soil. They were supposed to plant the acorn a few hundred yards away from the spaceship, but they forgot. They plain forgot.

You can’t really blame them though. They had so much else to do. Every minute of every day they had something important to do. People from NASA were telling them what to do over the radio.

But what if they had remembered to plant the acorn? What if they had dug down a couple of inches in the loose soil, dropped some sweet-smelling potting soil into the hole, and gently placed the acorn in its new home? What if they covered the acorn with some more sweet-smelling potting soil, and gently watered it with their watering can?

An acorn doesn’t need a lot of things to grow. It needs water, it needs soil, it needs sunlight, and it needs carbon dioxide gas. Now, there’s plenty of soil and plenty of sunlight on the moon. But water and carbon dioxide are in short supply. That’s why the astronauts brought a watering can with them.

They also brought a small plastic greenhouse with them. The plan was to place the greenhouse right over the planted acorn. Then the greenhouse was supposed to be filled with carbon dioxide gas.

After the acorn sprouted, it would pop up through the soil right in the middle of the greenhouse. There would be lots of water, soil, sunlight, and carbon dioxide for the small plant to grow tall and strong.

Plants both produce and consume carbon dioxide. A plant placed in a closed bottle, with good soil, sunlight and water, can survive for years without any care from human beings. (If you don’t believe me, you can try this yourself at home.)

As the little oak tree grew, it would produce more and more carbon dioxide from its leaves. Its branches would reach out and bump into the walls of the greenhouse. One day, the top of the oak tree would poke its way through the top of the greenhouse.

When that happened, some of the carbon dioxide and oxygen would escape through this hole. But the strong plant would continue to grow and continue to produce more of these two gases.

So if you think of the moon’s atmosphere as a small glass bottle in space, it might be possible for an oak tree to grow in its soil If only the astronauts had not forgotten to plant the acorn.

Phil Shapiro

We were so hungry we started eating before the food had fully finished cooking. It was then that the idea of freeze dried water first came to mind.

All through those eight miles of hiking the weight of the water bottles in my back pack felt heavier and heavier on my shoulders. If only there were a way of dehydrating water to make it lighter.

Then it occurred to me in a flash. If camping stores sold freeze dried water then we wouldn’t have to carry so much weight on our backs. When we needed water for cooking or drinking, we could just open up one of the freeze dried water packets and just add water.

Well, by the next day I had the idea all figured out. Freeze dried water packets could be produced in large factories. On the outside of the packets would be pretty pictures of waterfalls and sparkling, bubbly blue water. On the inside of the packets would be shiny aluminum foil, placed right on top a plastic inner liner. In the very middle of the packets would be the concentrated freeze dried water.

The freeze dried water would almost be invisible. That’s because the water would be dehydrated so well in our factories that only the very essence of the water would remain.

But hikers and campers would only be the beginning. NASA would be interested in buying freeze dried water to send up with the astronauts on the space shuttle. The Red Cross would be interested in buying freeze dried water to distribute to families during droughts. Sailors would be interested in buying freeze dried water to take out with them to sea.

Imagine how much financial savings NASA would have if they could use freeze dried water, rather than heavy tap water. Imagine how many lives could be saved in a drought if the Red Cross stockpiled thousands and thousands of packets of freeze dried water. And think of the convenience to sailors to have packets of freeze dried water right on the ship with them.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention. As I was hiking those eight long miles with the heavy water bottles bouncing around in my back pack, I knew that a great moment of invention was about to occur. Who could have thought that such a great invention would have such humble beginnings?
Phil Shapiro

Copyright 1995

All Rights Reserved

Therefore, it is no exaggeration to say that steam engines ushered in the modern age. But where did the steam engine come from? Who was the inventor of this “mover of mountains?”

The steam engine was not so much invented as developed. To give credit to any one person would be to steal credit away from its many rightful owners. The steam engine was developed over a period of about a hundred years by three British inventors.

The first crude steam powered machine was built by Thomas Savery, of England, in 1698. Savery built his machine to help pump water out of coal mines. This machine was so simple that it had no moving parts. It also used up lots and lots of coal just to pump a small quantity of water.

To say it was a steam engine would be to stretch the world “engine” far beyond its current meaning. However, it would be fair to say tha Savery was the first person to find a practical way of using steam to perform useful work.

The next stage in the history of the steam engine was a result of the work of Thomas Newcomen, also of England. Newcomen knew that there must be a way of improvingon Savery’s inefficient steam powered pump. Newcomen built a machine where the steam actually pushed a movable piston in one direction. This true “steam engine” was also used to pump water out of coal mines. Neither Savery nor Newcomen had any grander purpose in mind for their machines.

This all changed in 1763, when James Watt, a Scottish engineer, set out to improve upon Newcomen’s design. Watt figured out a way to push a piston back and forth in its cyclinder. And more importantly, he found out a way to make this back-and-forth motion turn a wheel. By using a “crankshaft,” the steam engine could produce circular motion. Watt may not have realized it at the time, but he had just invented the first railroad locomotive.

Unfortunately, Watt didn’t have the money to develop his improved steam engine. However, he was able to convince and English manufacturer that building steam engines could become a profitable business. Together with his business partner, James Watt started a company to build steam engines. Of course he must have hoped this his improved steam engine would find many uses in factories. But little did he realize at the time that his machine would forever alter the course of history.
Phil Shapiro

Copyright 1995

All Rights Reserved

When the ice is that thick it becomes possible to actually drive a car or truck across the ice. While driving on ice sounds like something that people would do just for fun, a lot of people drive across frozen lakes for very practical reasons.

For example, there are people who live year-round on islands within these northern lakes. In the middle of winter the only practical way of traveling to the mainland is by driving across the frozen lakes.

Actually, when the lake is frozen two to three feet deep, this is a perfect opportunity for people living on islands to transport large objects onto or off the islands. Say, for instance, you owned a cabin on a small island in the middle of a lake in Michigan. Suppose you decided that you wanted to build an extra room onto the cabin.

Transporting all the building materials onto the island using a boat would take a lot of work and expense. But if you waited until winter, you could easily drive all the building materials across the lake.

How can you tell if a lake is frozen solid enough to drive on? The surest way to know is to wait until several other cars and trucks have safely driven across the ice. Even then, you should always be extra careful when driving across a frozen lake.

It’s possible that one section of the lake has currents that prevent the lake from freezing solid. Or there might be a river or stream that brings slightly warmer water into one part of the lake. So even though most of the lake was frozen solid, one section of the lake could have thin ice.

Usually it takes at least two to three weeks of very cold weather before deep ice is formed on a lake. Here in the northern United States, deep ice doesn’t form until mid-January, at the earliest. (In northern Canada and Alaska lakes sometimes freeze solid as early as November or December.)

Do the tires of cars slip when they drive across ice? Yes, sometimes they do. But almost every car and truck that drives on ice has snow tires, which creates extra friction between the tires and the ice. Some people also choose to put chains on their tires, which gives the tires an even stronger grip against the ice.

After a few cars have driven across a particular path on a lake the ice actually becomes a sort of road. If you walked up to such a road and did not know that the road was traveling over a lake, you might never suspect that the cars and trucks are actually driving across solid ice.
Phil Shapiro

Copyright 1995

All Rights Reserved

The clock was a digital clock, meaning that it was the kind of clock with large neon red numbers that glowed both day and night. You could read the clock from an entire block away.

The clock sat prominently a few yards above the main doors to a respected bank, right on the corner of a major intersection in town. In some ways, the clock represented the very center of town.

One day, a few months ago, the time on the clock started slipping backwards a few minutes. At first this didn’t cause any alarm. After all, if you are two minutes late, or two minutes early to an appointment, is there any harm done?

But then the clock’s health got even worse. Not only did the clock slip back more than a few minutes, sometimes it would actually jump forward an hour or two, and then jump back to being a few minutes late. It was clear to everyone in town that this was a sick clock.

What do you do with a sick clock, though? Take it the clockerenarian? Take it a clockpital? Visit a clocktor?

You’re right. Healing a sick clock is not an easy thing to do. First you need to find what’s wrong with the clock, and then you need to find a place that sells the particular part that needs replacing.

The bank, being a respected bank, was eager to get the clock fixed and working again. The bank became even more eager after last month’s birthday party.

You see, a young child on the way to a birthday party burst into tears when he looked up at the clock and realized that he was going to be late. On that day, the clock was running about two hours fast, and the child was in perfect time for the party. The child just thought he was late, because who would ever doubt the time on a public clock?

And then there was the whole wedding fiasco last week. A groom, on the way to his wedding ceremony, noticed that he was two hours early, so he stopped off at the cybercafe to do some web surfing. When he showed up to the ceremony two hours late, the bride and everyone else were not overjoyed to see him.

The straw that broke the camel’s back, though, was last week when an army major was traveling through town. Being an army major, he would regularly adjust his wrist watch to make sure it was perfectly on time. When he saw the clock above the bank, he immediately reset his watch three hours ahead of time. And the next morning he woke his troops at 3 AM to do their regular 6 AM ten mile morning run.

The troops were not amused. And so they stopped by to pay a friendly visit to the bank manager. “Please, please, please repair the clock above the door of your bank,” they spoke in military unison. “Each one of us would like to chip in $20 to repair the clock,” they added.

The bank manager, a kindly young woman, promised that she would do whatever she could to find a part to repair the clock. She would even take the clock to a clockerenarian, if need be. And she had not ruled out the possibility of driving the clock straight to the clockpital, herself. Her own doctor had recommended some skilled clocktors that she could use when she received the replacement part.

Until the clock was repaired, though, she decided to switch off its electricity. For three weeks the lights on the clock were entirely dark. And then one day a UPS truck drove up the bank with a very small package. Inside that very small package was a very small part that made the clock healthy again.

The town sighed a huge sigh of relief when the clock was switched on again. And then everyone reset their watches and went on their merry way.

Phil Shapiro
Copyright 1997
All Rights Reserved

Her husband, Ed, was more forgiving. He gently picked up the lawn chair with his beak and moved it over to the flat, back section of the nest. Then he sat down in the lawn chair, folded his wings comfortably behind his head, and lay back.

“Honey, you might want to go and have your eyes checked one of these days,” Ed said. “It’s easy enough to do, and only costs a mouse or two.”

“I’ve been meaning to get my eyes checked,” replied Ellen, “but you know how it is. Every day it just seems that there are new mice to catch, new things to do for the nest, and new nature shows to be in.”

“True, the nature shows do put the dead mice on the table, but they take away from the hunting and stalking I really like to do.”

“I’ll put it on my calendar as something to do next week. Although, I’ve got to say, I would feel a little self-conscious wearing glasses out in public. What would the other eagles say?”

“Honey, what other eagles think doesn’t matter at all. It’s more important that your eyesight be sharp and in focus. Anyway, these days they can fit you with contact lens that you hardly notice are even there.”

Ellen sighed. Maybe it was time for her to get her eyes checked. Could she really afford to keep bringing back lawn chairs for her hungry children?

So the next day she flew over to the eagle optometrist to have her eyes checked. The optometrist sat her down in a comfortable chair and asked her to identify the small animals on the tiny chart two miles away. “Mouse, chipmunk, gopher, squirrel, rabbit,” she said, trying to sound confident. “It was difficult telling the difference between a mouse and a chipmunk. The shapes of these two animals were so similar.”

“Okay, you did well on that line of animals,” said the optometrist. “Now see if you can read the animals on the line below it.”

Ellen concentrated all her mental powers on trying to see what the animals were on the next line. She could barely make out what the small animals were, so she made her best guess, “Hippo, elephant, giraffe, and rhinoceros,” she said in a voice that lacked confidence.

“I’m sorry, but you missed a few animals on that line. Your eyesight is far below the normal 2000/2000 eyesight of regular eagles. I’m going to recommend you get glasses or contact lens.”

“Can you tell me more about the contact lens?” inquired Ellen.

“These days they have contact lens that are far more comfortable and far less bother than they were in the past,” the optometrist explained. “And we happen to have a sale on them this week.”

“For three dead mice you can walk away with a pair of contact lens you can be proud of.”

“Three dead mice?” declared Ellen in a surprised voice. “I thought you could buy a decent pair of contact lens for two dead mice.”

“Well, it is true you could buy contact lens at other stores for two dead mice,” replied the optometrist, “but they are inferior quality contact lens. If you bought the cheaper contact lens, you might not be able to read the numbers on a license plate that was two miles away.”

Ellen shuddered at the thought. Not being able to read the numbers on a license plate two miles away was a sure sign that an eagle’s eyesight was fading.

“I’ll take the three dead mice contact lens,” she said quickly. As she flew out of the store she said to herself, “So it costs me an extra dead mouse. What’s an extra dead mouse when you need to buy something to help your eyesight?”

Her husband Ed leaped out of the lawn chair when she landed on the nest. “Honey, you’re back so soon. Did you get a new pair of glasses or contacts?”

“Sure did,” Ellen replied with a renewed confidence in her voice. She hopped over to the back of the nest and casually nudged the lawn chair over the edge of the nest.

“No more lawn chairs in this nest,” she announced smugly. “Only dead mice, rabbits, and fish are going to show up here in the future.”

“Honey, I was just getting used to the lawn chair when you nudged it over the side of the nest. Do you think you could find me another lawn chair sometime?”

“No more lawn chairs in this nest, ever,” said Ellen. “Okay, Ed, it’s time we flew off to find something for the kids to eat for dinner. There’s no use in just sitting around in lawn chairs all day.”
Phil Shapiro

Copyright 1995

All Rights Reserved

Just before the train would blow its whistle, Patty would throw back her head and pretend as if the train’s glorious whistle sound was coming directly from her own beak. Her friends looked at her a little strange when she did this, but those poor pigeons had no idea what it’s like to ride a train.

Patty knew almost everything there is to know about trains since she once took the Amtrak train all the way to Boston. Actually, that’s not totally true. She first took the train to Philadelphia, and then caught a second train to Boston.

First, fly down to the train tracks and pretend as if you’re just pecking around for sandwich crumbs. Act as if you’re just a regular pigeon looking for the odd scrap of food.

Then make your way over to the doorway of one of the cars of the train. All the while, pretend as if it is the furthest thing on your mind to hop onto a train.

When you get near to one of the doorways to the train, check to see that there aren’t any conductors too close to you. Then just at the moment when someone is getting on or getting off the train, pretend as if you’re startled and fly up into the air while screeching just a bit.

The hurried traveler may take notice of you for a second, but you can be sure that they will be quickly on their way. Then when you’re up in the air near the doorway to the train car, pretend as if you accidentally land on the top step of the doorway of the train car.

Then pretend as if your sense of curiosity is so strong that you need to take a quick peek inside the train car. Waddle a little bit forward in the way that they tell you to do in the Pigeon’s Acting Book. Then you can duck underneath one of the first seats you come to, put your head underneath your wing, and then snooze all the way until the train has completely left the station.

It’s important that you not engage in regular pigeon clucking when you’re hiding underneath the train seat. If the man in the seat above you is carrying on and on in the most boring way imaginable, resist the temptation to cluck. And if the kids in the seats across the aisle always seem to be making a big fuss about everything, resist the temptation to cluck.

The first big city you will reach is Baltimore. You know you have reached Baltimore when the train conductor yells over the loudspeaker. “Baltimore! Baltimore! I can’t imagine a city with anything more. Baltimore!”

The second big city you will reach is Wilmington, Delaware. You know that you have reached Wilmington when the conductor yells out, “Wilmington! Wilmington! The best place to play badminton is Wilmington!”

After the Wilmington train stop you will reach Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in about twenty minutes. You know that you have reached Philadelphia when the conductor yells out, “Philadelphia! Philadelphia! Best philharmonic in the world. Philadelphia!”

Philadelphia has a fine train station well worth visiting. I once spent a week there visiting some cousins.

After Philadelphia the train gets to Trenton, New Jersey. You know you have reached Trenton when the conductor yells, “Trenton! Trenton! Terrific Trenton!”

About an hour after leaving Trenton the train pulls in to New York City. If you’re a pigeon who likes opera or Broadway plays, it’s worth getting out at this stop.

I personally like to stay on the train for the twenty minutes that the train stops in New York City. One of the stops after New York City is New Haven, Connecticut. A friend of mine from high school is going to law school at Yale University, in New Haven. Yale has a fine law school, especially if you’re interested in Pigeon Law, International Pigeon Law, or Criminal Pigeon Law.

About two hours after New Haven you reach Providence, Rhode Island. Here the conductor usually yells out, “Rhode Island! Rhode Island! Take the Rhailroad to Rhode Island!”

And within an hour of leaving Providence the train pulls into the central Amtrak station in Boston. Stay underneath your seat until all the passengers have gotten off the train. Then pretend as if you’re a Boston pigeon who accidentally jumped up onto the top step of the train’s car.

With a squawk, jump up into the air and pretend as if someone almost stepped on you. The train conductor will never ask a pigeon for a ticket if they think that someone almost stepped on you. You can then take your time visiting Boston before catching a train back to Washington DC. An excellent place to visit is the Boston Commons, the large park in the center of Boston. Some of the best crumbs from the best sandwiches in the nation fall onto the ground in the Boston Commons.

Also, you might enjoy visiting Harvard University, in nearby Cambridge, Massachusetts. Harvard is a place where human beings go to try to become as smart as pigeons.

But don’t be too concerned about human beings catching up to the intelligence of pigeons. Until human beings figure out a way to ride the train for free from Washington DC to Boston and back, we pigeons will always be smarter than they.
Phil Shapiro

Copyright 1997

All Rights Reserved

You can guess what the sanitation department had to say about Mrs. Katrinka’s crane. “Sorry, ma’am. We don’t pick up 6O foot tall cranes. Old couches, old tables, old refrigerators, and old washing machines are fine. Large, 6O foot tall cranes are not fine.”

Mrs. Katrinka was not the type of ordinary mother who lets a 6O foot tall crane sit around in her back yard. No, sirree. Not that type of ordinary mother at all.

So she bought a large wrench, and climbed up the tall 6O foot crane. She carefully climbed out onto the horizontal part of the crane, and unbolted one of the end sections. She happily climbed down and carried the steel section into her basement.

Her neighbors peered over the fence, wondering what on earth could this ordinary mother be doing with a steel section of crane in her basement. What the neighbors didn’t know was that Mrs. Katrinka also bought an excellent power saw. This saw could cut through the toughest, hardest steel.

Day after day, Mrs. Katrinka would take one more section from the crane, carrying it carefully down into her basement. And night after night, she cut those sections up into little bits. These little bits of steel were easy enough to hide in her regular trash.

Some of the bits she stuffed in empty cans of tuna fish. Other bits she stuffed in the middle of over-ripe watermelons. And other bits she hid inside old smelly socks.

But it’s hard to hide a full 6O foot crane in your day to day trash. You could hide a 2O foot crane, or a 3O foot crane. But a 6O foot crane is just too big to easily hide in the trash.

So Mrs. Katrinka started painting the sections of crane she took down each day. She painted them, and then welded them into interesting sorts of sculptures. When her basement became too full of sculptures, she set the sculptures out in her back yard.

It didn’t take long for people to flock from all over the neighborhood to see Mrs. Katrinka’s sculptures. One day, one of her neighbors walked right up her front steps and asked if she might buy one of the sculptures.

Well, Mrs. Katrinka didn’t know what to say. She didn’t make the sculptures to sell. She made the sculptures because it’s hard to hide all the bits of a 6O foot crane in your trash.

On the very day that she took down the last section of the crane, the man who used to own the construction company came back to pick up his crane. “Sorry, sir,” Mrs. Katrinka said.

“The crane you left in my back yard is no longer here anymore. It’s hiding in empty cans of tuna fish, over-ripe watermelons, and old smelly socks. If you want to put it back together, you’ll have to go looking through lots of empty tuna fish cans, over-ripe watermelons, and old socks.”

“Well, ma’am,” said the construction company man. “I really shouldn’t have left that 6O foot crane in your back yard. It wasn’t the right thing to do, and I’d like to apologize to you.”

Mrs. Katrinka looked the man up and down. He looked as if he was genuinely sorry for what he had done.

“Oh, all right,” Mrs. Katrinka said. “If you’d like to take home some of the 6O foot crane you left in my back yard, it’s sitting right over there in those six sculptures.”

“Six sculptures?” said the man, in wonder.

“Yes, six sculptures,” replied Mrs. Katrinka. “Mrs. Olney down the street bought the seventh sculpture last week for $2OO.”

“Well, the least I can do is buy the other six sculptures, at the same price,” the man whispered gently.

“No. I’m sorry. That won’t do,” replied Mrs. Katrinka. “I can’t sell all six of those sculptures. They mean too much to me now.”

“But I tell you what. If you want to buy five of them, I won’t complain too loudly about that. You can’t expect me to give up all my wonderful sculptures to some stranger who left a 6O foot crane in my back yard.”

“Yes, ma’am. It’s too much to expect an ordinary mother to give up all six sculptures she made from a 6O foot tall crane that a total stranger left in her back yard.”

As Mrs. Katrinka took the man’s money, she laughed, “Besides, I need to keep at least one sculpture to show my grandchildren. They’ll never believe this story if I didn’t have at least one of the sculptures left to show them…”
Phil Shapiro

Copyright 1995
All Rights Reserved