(A satiric analogy about literary egoism)

“I have groped across this muddle long enough!
It has become quite onerous, and there are far too
Many aspirants digging wells in salt mines looking
For diamonds – wannabes slobbering with hilarity
After discovering that “screw you too” is a rhyme.”

“Didn’t mommy ever tell you that you were boring
And pedantic
And arrogant
And conceited
And condescending …
A pseudo-intellectual writer without discipline?”

“And didn’t daddy ever tell you that somehow you’d
Perfected the donnish stereotype to dupe the unwary
Into believing that you were something other than just
Another crash test dummy displaying poetic erudition?”

“OK … you got me …
So I’ll ask you again …
Where are the true visionaries in this caffeinated age?
Have they gone the way of the Saurischian?
Too many dotting the vast literary landscapes
Look as if they are
Gratifying
Indulging
Pimping
Procuring
Pandering
Pabulum slurping scrabble players dishing out
Insipid intellectual nourishment on paper plates.”

“Oh please …
Not another dose of your verbose ingenuity!
How noble-minded you are, spouting quaint
Patrician platitudes and doodling neoplatonism
On toilet paper parchments. All while you calmly
Slurp up old latte’ and philosophic balderdash.
As a courtesy I’ll remind you once again …
If you don’t want blisters then stop starching
Your socks! You will never find Love and
Peace without unity and communication,
Especially if TRUTH is taken out of the mix.”

“I’m still not convinced!”
“That’s what I figured!”
“I assume you have a more cogent example?”
“Yes dummy I do! Here’s one for your frayed synapses …
Finding anything literary about you would be like
Trying to anagrammatize the dangling participles
In your writing to find the hidden meaning of life.”

“You bastard!”
“You dork!”
“You’d insult your own mother!”
“Only if she was related to you!”
“That was a low blow!”
“Then get a grip!”
“Grip this you puke!”
Up came the middle finger unfurled in salute
“Is that your age or your IQ?”
“You know man, why don’t you take a long
Walk off a short pier!”
“Hey dude, I’m sick of you always dissin on me!”
“Hey man … you’re the one who thinks you’re
Better than everybody.”
“I don’t think I’m better than everybody – just you!”
“Look you lobster wannabe …”

At that very moment the backdoor of the home
Opened and out walked a man and a woman.
“Oh honey look,” the woman pointed,
“Somebody spilled their Starbucks.”
“Hey look at that,” the man pointed also,
“There are two cockroaches drinking it.”
“Oh I hate those things!” The woman shuddered.
“Would you stomp them and clean up the mess?”

Richard Lloyd Cederberg